Letting Go of Birth Expectations: Why There’s No Use Crying Over Spilled Milk—And Why a Doula Can Help
We’ve all heard the phrase “There’s no use crying over spilled milk.” It’s a reminder that dwelling on things we can’t change only drains our energy. When it comes to birth and postpartum, this saying holds deep meaning—especially when labor doesn’t go as planned. That’s where the support of a doula becomes invaluable.
Many women enter labor with a vision of how they want their birth to unfold. Whether it’s an unmedicated birth, a water birth, or a peaceful home birth, these expectations often carry deep emotional weight. But birth is unpredictable. Even the most well-thought-out birth plans can shift due to medical reasons, unexpected challenges, or the natural course of labor. When things don’t go as expected, it’s easy to feel disappointed, frustrated, or even guilty.
But here’s the truth: Birth is not about perfection—it’s about feeling supported, informed, and empowered, no matter how your baby enters the world. While you can’t always control how labor unfolds, you can control who is by your side, guiding you through the process. This is why choosing a doula can make a world of difference.
Birth Plans vs. Birth Reality: How a Doula Helps You Navigate Change
Birth plans are a great tool for preparing for labor and communicating your preferences, but they are not a script set in stone. A doula helps you craft your ideal birth plan while also preparing you for the what-ifs.
If unexpected changes arise—such as needing an epidural when you had hoped to go unmedicated, or requiring a cesarean birth instead of a vaginal delivery—your doula helps you process these shifts in real time. They provide:
Emotional support to help you navigate feelings of disappointment or uncertainty.
Evidence-based information so you can make informed decisions when unexpected interventions arise.
Comfort measures to reduce stress and keep you grounded, even when plans change.
A doula doesn’t control the outcome of birth, but they do help you feel more in control of your experience—no matter how it unfolds.
Postpartum: Letting Go and Embracing Support
This mindset shift doesn’t just apply to birth—it’s also crucial in postpartum. Parenthood is full of unpredictability, from feeding challenges to sleep struggles to recovery concerns. Having a postpartum doula can make a significant difference in how you adjust.
If breastfeeding doesn’t go as planned, a postpartum doula offers lactation support and alternative feeding solutions. If recovery is harder than expected, they provide hands-on care so you can focus on healing. When emotions feel overwhelming, they offer a listening ear and reassurance that you’re not alone.
For additional postpartum resources, check out:
Postpartum Support International – Help for postpartum depression, anxiety, and emotional wellness.
La Leche League International – Breastfeeding support and guidance.
Kelly Mom – Breastfeeding support and guidance.
DONA International – Find a certified postpartum doula in your area.
The National Association of Certified Professional Midwives – Resources for midwifery and postpartum care.
The Power of Support in Your Birth and Postpartum Journey
Letting go of expectations doesn’t mean dismissing your feelings. It’s okay to grieve a birth experience that didn’t match your vision. It’s okay to feel frustrated when things feel harder than expected. But with the right support, you don’t have to go through it alone.
Choosing a doula means having someone in your corner to help you adapt, process, and move forward with confidence and grace. Because when it comes to birth and postpartum, it’s not about avoiding spilled milk—it’s about having someone there to help you clean it up, remind you that you’re doing an incredible job, and support you every step of the way.
